::My Lifeblog::

I'VE HAD ENOUGH, OK?!

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 02:38:31 GMT

i love him... too much. that's the problem! to the point that, i know i'm being stupid enough to be thrown away down a steep cliff!

i love him, much! that i know it became so wrong...

i love him so much.. that it hurts so bad...

i want to stop... but it's hard... he became my "personal drug".... he's addicting... and like a drug, he's just pulling me down...

i want to stop... right here, right now, but i don't know if i can... i hope i can...

i don't know what to do... until now...

i've got to stop this... because it will only hurt even more...

i've got to stop this... because i know HE will just wound me all over again...

i need to stop this... for i might even forget who i really am...

Now, i need to stand up for myself... i need to be strong... to show him that i can...

i need to be strong... because no one will do it for me...

i need to be strong... because I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

... and so... the retaliation... starts now!

Out of control.. T_T

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 12:50:47 GMT

i'm kind of being lonely today... so many thoughts are floating around my head.. I need to stop thinking too much! but i can't help it... I'm doomed! I'm hurt... and i'm losing something... something that i have hold for so long, and now, i'm losing it day by day...

i don't like this. Yeah.. i hate this part of me being so over sensitive. being too much broad-minded. It's killing me. I need to talk to someone... yet i don't want. I only want to just sit here and stare at nothingness, but it would only let me think more stuff, that soon will ruin my sane self!

I know the me today is really different from the cheerful and witty girl everyone knows a few months ago.... I'm soo stupid! I have told myself a hundred times before not to lose my logical self... and yet, here i am today.. the biggest fool ever! i turned myself into a fool that soon will be the laughing matter of the people around me... where is the old me? i want it back!

I never want to regret any decisions i make! Yet this one, this big act i've done... It's different! i told myself that i don't regret it, but.... i thinking i am now...

I don't want to love anymore... because i just can't control myself when i'm loving... i told myself before that i won't give all... and yet... yet... i'm doing it now... i'm so stupid!!! why can't i just be like everyone else?! THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! i want to end this... but i can't just act unplanned now.. I've done illogical acts, and i don't want to worsen it! not anymore!

I'm falling into pieces. it's like i don't know myself anymore.. I'm afraid that one day, i won't be the same "joyce" everyone and myself knows. I don't want to be broken apart.. I want to be saved....

I want to stop loving, but i can't... I just can't.. and it's hurting me really bad....

...and it's official!!

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 02:09:31 GMT

We're a couple now! and we made it official last december 10!

it was a special day, and also i gave him my first ever kiss! my first ever hug! it was really a magical moment that i can't ever forget!

i finally realized i'm not only attracted to him... I LOVE HIM! and it's just not a simple love like that of what i felt 8 years ago towards this particular guy (i dun like to name names, hehe!).

I love my honey so much! to the point that i give him my trust.. i know he feels the same way, that's why i feel so secured.. i just hope he will never change and that our relationship will grow!

demo ne, there is one thing, i can't give up that easily even though i love him that much!... my virginity! i hope he can understand that part of me.

so... this is how it feels to have my real first love! it's a great feeling ne.. i hope it will never last though... i love him! I LOVE YOU, HON! muah!

I'M.INLOVE.

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 02:12:54 GMT

Yeah, that's for sure! wahaha..

2 weeks of vacancy here, ne... And that's what i'm only going to update?! Huwaaaa... Anyway, on to the topic... I'm not sure if this is even right. I mean being inlove with him... Yeah i know there's nothing wrong with being in love with a guy. It's part of life.. Demo ne, what's making it complicated for me is that the people around me, dictating what i must do with this situation. I hate people controling me ok? I want to follow what i want to do, demo ne.. I'm scared that they, these people, will ruin my happiness. I know i'm getting a lot of negative talk behind my back the moment i started hanging around with him.. I wanted to ignore all of it, but this is my first time having this kind of complicated situation, that's why i'm a bit worried and scared.

ugh! why can't they just mind there own business! leave me be! Respect my decision! It's not their life anway! Haaaaa! this is making me crazy. because i want him! but i can't just jump to a decision because there are a lot of things to consider! I hope someone sensiuble can talk to me about this kinds of things! haaaa! the disadvantage of being a NBSB!!!

*walks out of the room* hehe!

The happiest is when i'm alone...

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 09:49:05 GMT

Today, i went to the mall by myself! I played arcade, i sang at the videoke counter, i ate at a fastfood chain. ALL BY MYSELF!!! and i'm proud of it... it's an achievement for me! haha! Anyways, i feel so carefree today, i feel so independent... And i'm so delighted. I even took a purikura, though chunky or any of my friends is not around. I think i like being all by myself! I was away from the busy crowd, no pain, no worries. Even for just a bit of time. I had the whole day by myself!

Call me loner or whatever you like, i still need time to be myself, to be the real me! Tomorrow, i don't know what i'll be like again, but today is enough for a good memory to keep me standing up for a week.

I'm kind of tired... but utmost i'm still happy. :) btw, tomorrow, i think i might be able to do what i was telling about yesterday... wish me luck ne... Ja, i better get going now! buh-bye!

Can't be!!!

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 13:01:05 GMT

I'm baaaaaack! And so, i give you updates on what's goin on with my life! Hahaha! specifically, the love problem i'm having! Eep! i declared it as "love" problem! Mendouksai na! hehehe...

so what happened? well... uhm... It's just that.... I FAIL MISERABLY WITH THE PLAN I HAD LAST WEEK! i know, right, it's stupid! I should be called "Joyce no baka" for that! hahaha!!! Eeee! seriously, why can't i just ignore the guy??? he's not even my ideal man, for heaven's sake! Eeeeee! I should really stop this.. right?! right?! right?? Haaaaa! Anyways, i think i will be able to this time... you know why? He just gave me a reason to be turned off! Demo ne... if he could just stop smiling like that this week, no doubt i can proceed to the plan! Just.... don't... make.... him.... SMILE!!! it's killing me!!

Ok, let's make my head clear this night.... MY IDEAL GUY! yeah, i should remind myself again! What i want for a guy... drumroll please (hehe!):

Tall! he should be tall, and that's a requirement! haha... how tall? 5 inches taller than me would do..
Age does matter! i will prefer older guys this time... don't get me wrong ok? I don't mean sugar daddies, gets?! hahaha! ok, maybe like 10 years older than me at the most! or at least 2 years older..
Responsible. yeah, a degree is a must! HAHA! since i have one.
Sweeter than chocolate! i like sweet and thoughtful guys. Guys who like to surprise their girl just turn me on.. ;)
what else what else? yeah, i like guys who have goood sense of humor! open-minded and has a great level of maturity. ;) but not too serious and he knows how to have fun.

Basically, that's what i want for a guy! hehe! high standards? of course! haha! i don't care if this'll take me forever to find that special guy! but right now, all i want to do is to take off my attention to.... HIM!

I'll quit it!

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 07:41:10 GMT

I'm done playing games! Tomorrow is another day! and i need to make a difference! No more childish acts. No more games and fooling around. I know it'll be best for the both of us. I'm gonna stop this while it's still fresh. Or else, both of us might get hurt in the process...

I'll work harder now, it's my first priority in the first place anyway. I think it's time for me now to think for my future again. Be serious with it. Know my priorities again. Make it all clear. I don't want to be lost again because of a simple infatuation thing!

I hope i can do this. Tomorrow, i will be my real self, no one can stop me. I am ambitious and i think there's nothing wrong with it! I'm gonna follow my dreams and plans first. I'm gonna think about myself first. For now, there'll be no more space for nonsensical things.

I won't have any regrets with this decision, i'm sure of it! If people will tell me i blew my chances, they are wrong! i'll be regretting with the rest of my life if i won't strive harder to reach my dreams.

So... Tomorrow will be a brand new day, i'll still be the cheerful girl they always know, but i'll be more responsible yet ambitious! Goodluck to me, i know i can do this! ^^

.::my song for my special guy::.

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 03:28:04 GMT

All you will never know
by: Avril Lavigne

You�re indecisive when it comes to making any plans
you�re on the fence
you give me reasons I never seem to understand,
they don�t make sense
maybe ain�t enough for my heart
we�ll see, ain�t off to a great start
baby, I want you to be mine,
you better hurry �cause if I change my mind

[Chorus]
You will never know,
what it means, to love me
and you will never know,
what these two lips taste like to kiss
you can just suppose to what my body feels like to hold
hope you can deal with, all you will never know

I wanna know you, what�s hiding behind this wall
who you really are
I wanna meet you on the other side of this charade
wherever the cards may fall
I�m ready to give you my heart
yea I�m willing to show up for my part
baby, I want you to be mine,
you better hurry �cause if I change my mind

[Chorus/bridge]
You will never know,
what it means, to love me
and you will never know,
what these two lips taste like to kiss
you can just suppose to what my body feels like to hold
hope you can deal with, all you will never know
about me, what I see, what I believe in,
how I breathe, when I weep

[Chorus]

Because no one really knows...

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 01:57:57 GMT

Here i am again, staring at nowhere, feeling doomed and all.. i just keep thinking over and over... I hate feeling this way but i just can't help it.

Some people really think they know all about me, how i move, how i feel, how my mind works. Everything! but they are just wrong! They just won't give me the chance to be myself.

Yeah, i know i always fool around, i laugh loud, i do silly things. But it is just not the whole me. I'm more than that. Some people think i'm the black sheep of the family. Some people think i'm too insensitive over serious matters. Some thinks i'm so of a happy-go-luck type of person, some thinks i'm too selfish, too self-centered, too boastful. But they are all wrong! If only they would just give me a chance to show myself. But sadly, they won't. They think of me as a kid! They just won't take me seriously. Nobody wants to.

Yeah, at times i don't give my reaction, at times i don't give a damn, it's because i'm afraid to show this feelings inside of me. I'm afraid that people won't like seeing the half of the real me. The real me, that knows how to cry when everything turns upside down, the me that knows how to get scared when darkness fills everything that i loved. The me that is sometimes being cruelly affected over simple petty fights. The me that knows how to be sensible over serious things.

I'm not a cyborg who always follow what people wants, who always go with the flow. I'm a a human being, who can feel love, pain and happiness. I have my own mind. I have my own freewill.

It's not true that i can always paint rainbows and butterflies, and smile like there's nothing wrong. But i'm trying my best to be the cheerful girl that everyone knows. I want to hide it all, but sometimes i fail. I'm sorry. It's hard to put a fake smile in front of everyone else when my eyes wants to bring out the tears. It's hard to push a fake laugh when my heart is crying loudly.

Every night, i pray that one day, i could find that special someone who can understand what i feel, who can never leave me in times like this. Someone who can accept that i cry, i get mad, i get angry. Someone who i can trust with all of my fears, someone who i can share not only my happiness but also the sadness inside my heart. Someone who is willing to know the real me...

I'm DEAD!

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 04:07:41 GMT

Yeah, you heard it right! If confusion kills, i'll prolly be dead by now! right this minute, right this very second! Ahaaaaa!! Another one of those days, huh... when confusion strikes me! haha! another one of those times when i want to run and hide myself in a big hole and hybernate! OMG! Watashi wa nani ishterun da?! Graaaaaaa!!

I don't want this to happen? but... but... it happened... i want to stop this... demo... i think it can't be stop! Okay! As what my bestfriend says "MIND OVER MATTER!!!". It's easy to say that! but it's hard to do that! I swear!

Hm... Maybe i shall turn myself into that chant again ne... haha! remember my last way back entry? "The mantra"! The "daikirai desu ne!!!" chant! remember that? remember that? shall i resort to that???? haha... or just wait until this confusion dies down????

Oh c'mon, what am i talking about??

*logs out*